Hearing Loss LIVE! Podcast

Hearing Loss LIVE! Workshop Communication Boundaries with Gloria Pelletier

March 16, 2023 Hearing Loss LIVE! Season 2 Episode 3
Hearing Loss LIVE! Podcast
Hearing Loss LIVE! Workshop Communication Boundaries with Gloria Pelletier
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Show Notes Transcript

Communication boundaries is a difficult subject. We worry that by implementing boundaries around our hearing loss we push others away. But the truth is we set boundaries all the time. We have to. Setting healthy communication boundaries that you can use every day with every one is change that will empower you to be the best you, you can be. 

Communication boundaries empowers your hearing partners to know what it is you need. And they can use these simple boundary changes with every one they come in contact with.

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Hearing Loss LIVE! Workshop Communication and Boundaries with Gloria Pelletier. 

 

Julia: Good morning, welcome to Hearing Loss LIVE! This month, we are talking communication boundaries. I think if you're subscribing and liking and sharing our stuff, you know that there's kind of a flow with our workshop series this year. There is a connection between each month. And I think you guys are figuring it out. But we'll probably talk a little bit about it. Communication boundaries, what an interesting workshop to put out, because when we sat down and talked about it while I was blogging, if you've read the blog, you probably know this. I went back to my human resource days. Boundaries are kinda uncomfortable, right? We set them but oh, you know, and boundaries flow, right? You don't have the same boundary with your five year old that you do with your teenage sullen child, right. So boundaries do have to change. We set them every day. We set them with ourselves. We set them with others. Sometimes we speak about them, sometimes we don't. But some reason, when you say I have a hearing loss, I need you to do this.

People are like, Oh.

but it's a boundary. Whether you like the boundary or not, is not, um. is not I've lost the word for that. So I won't go there. Whether you like the boundary or not doesn't matter, you have to have boundaries. You have to have boundaries with your hearing loss for better communication, period. Both parties need to have those boundaries and talk about them. Because that's how you move forward. Otherwise, you sit in the cycle of anger, right? We talked grief last last month. I haven't grief because you no longer want to do X, Y, Z. But you can't do XYZ. So how does that boundary change and you move forward? Everything we talked about, I'm gonna say it, maybe this is hearing privilege, are easy communication rules you can make every day with every one. Whether you're the hearing partner, or you have the hearing loss, are you going to fail? Yes. How many times have you set boundaries, and it felt or you had to change it or you had to tweak it or, or whatever. So that's just part of the equation. But in order to keep healing with your hearing loss, you have to do those steps. Does that makes sense. Like going way far off topic. Usually I am. So, I just for me, each step takes you where you need to be. And I just it's interesting, because the word boundaries is so scary. Yeah, maybe? Thoughts girls. You want to go Chelle? [laughing un sure dialogue]

Chelle: This is Chelle, and I can go [laughter]. Our society has sort of lost our face to face connection with communication, you know, everybody's backs are turned. We're in different rooms. It used to be as a social norm, you know, to get each other's attention first and make sure you're facing each other and be within six feet. This was a social norm, way back when and we've just sort of lost it. We can go back to it. I think you know Julia's right. This is for everyone. Not just hearing and hard of hearing. It can be hearing, hearing, hard of hearing and hard of hearing. It works for everybody. And we've just kind of forgotten, you know, texting. All of that is sort of taken away the face to face communication. Manage your communication, or be managed. That's what we're doing here. And while we were looking at the topic earlier, I I popped up with the, you know, how it ties in with- okay, I'm trying to put the thought together, hang with me everybody. Grief, we talked about grief last time, and how sometimes that sends us into isolation. And it's because you know, we've tried to communicate in certain instances. We've maybe gone three times, you know, family gathering, and we've decided it's just pointless at this at this time. We tried it three times, it didn't work. But you have to develop a sort of resilience with it. Now, I'm going to quote Thomas Edison here who said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work." And that's kind of howit is with hearing loss and communication. I believe I have found 10,000 ways it didn't work over the years [laughter]. But I kept going, and you know, Gloria talked about it last time, in that I'll go, Okay, I'm going to feel my grief, I'm going to feelmy pity. But I'm going to find a way around it. And I've developed that determination, which was also resilience. And I looked up our resilience on the Mayo Clinic, a little blip on it. And, and this is, I love this. So hang with me again, let me let me do this quote from Mayo Clinic. "Resilience is the ability to adapt to difficult situations. When stress, adversity or trauma strikes, you still experience that grief, and trauma and pain, but you are able to keep functioning, both physically and psychologically. However, resilience isn't about putting up with something difficult, being stoic, or figuring it out on your own. In fact, being able to reach out to others for support is the key part of being resilient." And now I want to pass it to Gloria because I think she can move this along a little further.

 Gloria: Apologize. When we were talking earlier about this, and you brought it up, and I had forgotten about it, but I have been having problems with my computer. And the IT people came to look at my computer, and they were talking to each other and they weren't talking to me. And I felt, I like how you said "managed." You know, we're going to take care of this problem. We're going to deal with this problem. We're going to make it okay for you. But they never asked me. And I was I'm a mom, that didn't go over real well. And after they left, I was so distressed I called Chelle and I said, "Do you know what they did to me?" And she said, "get in between them." And I was like, Oh, that's so easy [laughter]. But I I did not set a boundary. I did not say to them, Listen, I can't hear you. When your backs are to me, I'm, it's all done. When you walk into the other room. It's all done. And I didn't really communicate my needs. I just let them go. Because that's what I'm used to doing right? I'll just let it go. And I won't deal with it. And Chelle was like just get in between. So I the next time they came out, I was prepared. And this is what I like what Chelle said, I went to my community. And I said, What do I do? How do I how do I manage this? So the next time they came out, I reminded them remember, I'm deaf. And I have my hearing aids in but I can't hear you when you turn your back to me. I can't hear you when you walk into another room. And I really want to be part of this communication. I want to be part of the problem solved. I want to hear you. I want to understand, I want to be part of this. But I can't unless you face me. And it worked really really well. And those are all boundaries that we talk about. But sometimes we don't know how to implement it without becoming the problem child, which I have been on more than one occasion. Because I think when we ask for something that people are not prepared to do or haven't thought about doing. It's easy to say, really? But sometimes if we can present it as this is what I need, please help me, we get a better response. And I'm really hoping those IT people aren't watching this. It's it's really important to make our needs known, and also to set realistic boundaries that say, I need this, so I can be part of this. I can be part of our relationship, I can be part of our friendship. And I don't think it's a negative. I think it's a positive. And that's how I view it.


Chelle: Gloria, this is chelle, Gloria say again, how boundaries don't need to be scary. They can be put in a nice way. So what I just said it I guess [laughter]. Boundaries don't need to be a mean thing.

Gloria: I think sometimes when I was looking at the subject on the media, it became a really kind of a mean thing. This is my boundary, you crossed it. Now I'm mad. And I think what we what would be better served if we said this is what I need to be partner with you. And I want to be, and it's important for me to be. And I would really like you to do this is a whole different concept then saying, You crossed my boundary. Now I'm all mad. And sometimes I've crossed boundaries. And I didn't even know I was crossing them. Sometimes when Chelle and I are together, she-- I turned my back on her. That's a boundary crossing. I know better, but I did it anyway, didn't I? So sometimes we just need to remember that asking for what we need. Setting that up. And we can use the term boundary, is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. And the more isolated we become, because we don't do it, the more we have to practice doing it. And I think that I'm really glad you guys are doing this podcast, because it gives us a chance to say to people, look, it's not a negative, it's a positive, we want to communicate with you. This is what will help us do that. Does that answer your question, Chelle? [laughter] Welcome.

 

Julia: This is Julia [mic noise in background]. So I hope that it guys are listening, because you're setting your boundaries actually helps educate them for the next time, they might have a hard of hearing client that they need to work with. Right? I wish it was that simple. And I know it means, it gets tiring right having to to empower other people for your needs. But it's so worth it. I have a hearing loss, I can't hear you, I want to be part of the solution to solve this. And I bet you had to remind them a couple of times. And sometimes they might remember. But the next client that they go to who has a hearing loss, they will be more conscious. And it is again an easy rule that if they use it with everybody, they won't even you know, I I'm the hearing partner, we know I hear well, but I have to use the rules for many different reasons. With strangers in my job. With my family with hearing loss, without hearing loss. They're very, they're very helpful, right? Even if it's someone who can't culturally look you in the eye or isn't used to whatever my having the ability to say thank you. Let's use this now, right? You use a different tool or whatever. But knowing your boundaries yourself, helps you help others to participate in the conversation. It's not always gonna go right. I don't know how to fix that because I everyday have some sort of failure with something right around communication. I don't want to call it a failure because it's not it goes south, right? We fall back into bad habits. We're around another hard of hearing person where we're used to talk, you know, following the rules with who and how and what and wher and when. But I'm sorry, there's going to be a sneeze there on the podcast.

So

oh, now I lost my train of thought. [mic noises in background] So somebody fill in for me, because I'm, I can't get it out of my mouth. Right? Go Round and round and round. [laughter]

Chelle: Oh, yeah, this is Chelle again. You know, I think we can present examples of a couple of examples of boundaries each on things, I want to go with the car. Because that is one besides the restaurant hearing in a car those two places are the most difficult places to hear. So you can set certain boundaries in the car, like my kids, and they grew up with, we can have music, or we can talk. But we can't have both. That was the boundary. And they knew this. And they're very good about it. And they would reach over the kid in the front, was always my interpreter or whatever for the kids in the backseat too, because I needed that extra help. And if they took turns sitting up front, they knew they had to translate for the person, the kids in back. But that kid in front would snap off the radio and say, "Mom, Cutler wants to know," [laughter] or, you know, something like that. And then we would talk about or the minute or whatever was needed. And if it was quiet, they turn the radio back on, I didn't even have to do this. They're wonderful kids. And here, what 15 or more years later, they still do it. With each other. I've witnessed them doing it with each other because they just learned, we're going to have music or we're going to talk. Let's make it easier on everyone. So that's one good car boundary. And another one I've learned with more hearing loss is to not trust my passenger, to tell me where to go. Yeah, go to hell Chelle, No. [luaghter] Definitely don't say that. But I can. Definitely can't hear the directions. And there's been arguments, because I didn't hear I heard right, instead of light. Okay, what I hear mostly in that, if I'm not looking at you is eight. Not not the R the L. So I've gotten in trouble. And another boundary of mine now is to put my phone in front of me and put in the address myself and not depend on anybody else, because it's just easier for all of us. So that's some of the boundaries and the car I have. Gloria, do you have examples of boundaries that you want to share?

Gloria: I don't know. But I love that car one. Now I know why I always fight. Why we're always fighting in some ways, and I'm going the wrong way. Because I didn't hear it right. You know, and you explaining that, from now on, is going to be perfect for me, because I'm gonna just not I'm just gonna ignore everybody. So thank you, Chelle. That was probably one thing that popped up in my mind and kind of maybe it's a little. You know, if you want to talk to me, and you want to relay your feelings to me, you're gonna have to be in front of me. And I want, I want to hear you tell me, I love you. I need to hear that. If you're saying it over by the sink, "I love you, honey!" I don't hear that. So, in order for me to be able to have that closeness with you that I want, you're gonna have to be in front of me. And I, I'm like Julia, all of a sudden, I drew a blank. Because this, this is a hard topic to talk to people because no matter if you're hearing or not people get really nervous when they set boundaries. And I like to think of it more as an assistance to us to communicate. We're asking for assistance. We're asking you to be respectful of us. But these are just really old social norms. They're not new norms. They're old like my mom. We won't talk about how many decades, okay? My mom was like, stand in front of me when you talk to me. Don't chew gum. That was a big deal. Don't chew gum, if you're going to talk to me, don't talk to me with your mouth full. If you want, if you want me to hear you, you need to come around and talk to me. And these were just polite rules that society was insistent on. And I think when we put it back into that venue, it becomes just part of what we do. And I like what Julia said, for everybody. And I have never yet experience an accommodation that did not benefit a whole lot of people. And so we're talking about a benefit for you to also have, you the hearing person, to also have better communication with people. And I think that's the benefit of what we're talking about.

Julia: Thank you both. We are on up on time. Any any last thoughts? When when we release this worksheet, or release this workshop, I think we'll have a couple of different worksheets for people to use. Especially with this one. To understand how boundaries are not scary and important, and I love Chelle's boundary with don't don't- Siri's it, don't give me directions in the car, even her and I have fallen into that pit knowing both of us hate the other person giving directions while we're driving. And I I've done it with my family. So that's an easy fix, you can fix with everybody, right? So set boundaries that make sense. And you can follow and and bring your hearing partners along. Don't give them the excuse to manage you. Don't let them manage you hearing partners don't manage. That's my boundary. Don't manage the situation. Now for some of us, that's going to be difficult, right? We're fixers, but you will resent managing at some point, it will become a codependency that if you do not have it there, don't place it there. That's going to be my boundary thought. Don't manage the situation. Talk. Talk again and again until you're exhausted. And if the talking doesn't work, figure out what needs to happen next, don't push it under the rug and hope it will clear clear itself. Okay, so that's my deep dark thought that I finally got out of my head. I hope you're enjoying our series. Next month, we are going to spend the month talking about our hearing partners. Do's, Don'ts, communication, grief, what we may or may not know that can help navigate the changes that happen with hearing loss, right. So, I haven't finished putting that together. So that's as far as that's gonna go. Our talk about it workshop will be April 4th. Where we will meet as tribe and go through the workshop live. Please join us if you can. It's at 6 pm Mountain Time. That is where we can get together in a safe space and talk what's working, talk what's not working, come up with better ideas on how to include our hearing partners that night. Bring a hearing partner with you. I had something else I wanted to announce and I don't remember what, so I won't. We hope you're liking, sharing and subscribing and watch for our workshop series to come out a little later in the spring. Thanks for joining. BYE!